Outline
The Option Questions
- What are you feeling bad about? What about that, are you unhappy about?
- If people are unhappy, they have their own reason.
- What are you afraid will happen if you stop being unhappy about it?
- The ultimate answer that we get down to: “because I have always believed it.”
- When someone is afraid that they are just pretending that they are not unhappy.
Introduction
In this lecture, Bruce Di Marsico introduces the Option Questions. One of the key attitudes in asking the Option Questions is knowing that if people are unhappy, they have their own reason.
He concludes with addressing the ultimate answers that we get down to, such as “because I have always believed it,” and the ultimate doubt, “maybe if I am happy now, I am just pretending”.
READINGS
Introduction to the Questions
So what we start with is a person who says, ‘I feel bad and I don’t think it’s physical.’ Here’s what I say. ‘In so far as it’s not physical I might be able to help you to not feel as bad if that’s what you want. What are you feeling bad about?’ And that’s the beginning question of the Option Method.
Then the person says whatever they say. There’s no right answer. There’s no wrong answer or every answer is the right answer. It’s whatever they say. Then they tell me what it is that they’re unhappy about. I ask them, ‘Just go a little more into that.’ In other words I’m still asking, ‘What are you unhappy about?’
I say to them, ‘What about that are you unhappy about?’ Or I say, ‘Well what’s the worst about that that you’re imagining or what’s the worst you’re afraid is going to happen? Why are you unhappy about it basically? What do you believe? What do you have?’ And at some point people usually respond to what they’re unhappy about and they tell me.
I ask them a little bit deeper, ‘What about that are you afraid of?’ At some point I ask them, ‘What about that are you afraid of?’ Or ‘what about that would you be unhappy about, are you unhappy about it, would you be unhappy about it if it happened?’
‘I’m afraid my wife will leave me’ or ‘I’m afraid my children will go to jail.’
‘What about that are you afraid of?’ They stop because they didn’t think that they were going to have anything to do with this. They are the same people who believe that there’s somebody out there who’s going to make them happy or make them not unhappy, tell them something.
Give them an insight, like they’ve always received. Show them in some way this isn’t something to be unhappy about bebecause it doesn’t exist. ‘You’re just mistaken. They’re not coming to take your house away from you. They’re just going to fine you $300.’
‘Oh, I feel better.’
That’s the kind of answers they’re looking for. ‘No, you’re not totally crazy. You’re just a little worried sometimes.’
‘Oh, thank you for saying that.’
But I have no problem saying that. Nobody who finds their way to me is totally crazy and anybody who wants to not be unhappy can be totally crazy–simple as that.
But they stop and then they say, ‘Why would I be unhappy about that? Wouldn’t you be?’ Ah, first belief–they believe that their unhappiness is universal; that anyone and everybody and anybody with good sense, anybody with an honest heart, anybody with any love in them or any compassion, anybody with any brains, etc., etc., whatever model they’re fitting me into would certainly be unhappy about that.
And in line with the Option Method, which is what? That each person believes what they believe and that causes their feelings, right? The cause of their feelings comes from what they believe. I would say to them, ‘Well, I would have my reasons for being unhappy about it if I was and you have yours. What are yours?’
I don’t deny or accept that I would get unhappy about it. I reaffirm the truth that I’m operating from, which is that if I was unhappy about it, I would have my reasons. What’s your reason?
Then it comes down to, ‘Gee, I don’t know. Isn’t everybody?’ Or ‘I just always was.’ Fine, good; that’s your answer. Remember, that’s your answer. There’s no problem. That’s it. That’s the cause of the emotion. You feel bad about it because you believe that everybody does. Okay. Well everybody who does has their own reason. I lied again because good chance their own reason is the same as this.
But none the less, if they are unhappy they do have their own reason. They have their reason. Do you believe it for the same reason they do? How do you know? Well they have a reason for believing that this is something to be unhappy about.
‘If you don’t have a reason for believing it’s something to be unhappy about then let me ask you, do you right now honestly believe that it’s something to be unhappy about?’ Universally they say no–universally! I’ve never had a person not say, ‘no, I’m not unhappy about it now.’ But–okay, we’ll get into that–but they quickly want to remind me that they’re merely human; they didn’t just become saints and I mustn’t have too high expectations of them. I accept that. See you next week.
We go on from that. Okay. ‘Right, I don’t have any real reason to be unhappy about it. I don’t see any real reason to be unhappy about it. Then how come I don’t give it up? Why don’t I just stop being unhappy about it?’ That’s easy.
‘What are you afraid will happen?’ This is the third question in option. What are you afraid will happen if you stop being unhappy about it? And whatever their answer is to that is really their reason for being unhappy about it.
So although they’ve never spelled out their reason in English and verbally before, they still have a rationale. It isn’t just mere mythology, not usually for the things that are most crucial to them, for the most terrifying complaints that they come with, not for the things that are really ruining their lives. That’s usually not just based on an awareness of theirs that they’re just believing a myth of some sort and here’s their answer. They are believing a myth, but they didn’t realize it until now.
‘Well, if I wasn’t unhappy it would mean’ and then here’s the answers, whatever they are. ‘It would mean I don’t care. It would mean my life has all been a lie, etc.’ I don’t have to add them in. There are various things, but they all amount to pretty much the same thing. ‘I don’t have any real reason for believing in this unhappiness anymore, but if I stop I’m afraid I’ll be in trouble. I’m afraid it’ll mean things that I don’t mean.’
And the ultimate answer that we get down to after the ‘I don’t knows, I don’t knows’, is that by using the Option Method a person winds up usually saying, ‘I don’t know why I get unhappy about it, but the only reason I can think of for what I’d be afraid of if I was not happy about it is that I’d wind up somehow denying that there really is something to be unhappy about even though I don’t know what it is.’ Why? ‘Because I’ve always believed it.’ Now we go back.
Because yes, but that’s what you’ve always believed. It is something to be unhappy about even though you didn’t know what it was. You see, that’s what we found out ten minutes ago. They think they came to a big realization right now, but they didn’t.
They just went around and expressed it in terms that they can hear. I heard them before. Do you understand me? That they were saying that they believe they have to be unhappy just merely because they’re afraid not to believe that they have to be unhappy ‘cause everyone else believes that this is something to be unhappy about and they’re afraid that if they’re happy they’re just pretending to not be unhappy.
So now, what do you do with somebody who’s afraid that they’re just pretending that they’re not unhappy? You give them their money back? Well, seriously. You tell them to go out and have a good meal?
Or if you want to go on with this, there’s a couple of ways to go, but they have now just realized at least that they personally don’t have a reason for being unhappy and that’s very important–that they don’t have a rationale, they don’t have a belief, they don’t have a fact, they don’t have a premise.
They’re just supporting–let’s say–this unhappiness about losing their wife with their general belief that if they weren’t unhappy about losing their wife, they’d still be unhappy about losing their wife, but not admitting it–whatever that means.
Now we’re into some kind of philosophy stuff. We’re not into human beings feeling anymore. It’s like, where have you been before here? And they’ve been somewhere. Oh, believe me. I don’t have to ask that question. They’ve been somewhere else to come up with that defense for their unhappiness.
Freud said that people will defend to the death their neurosis and psychosis and that they set up all kinds of defense mechanisms. You’ve heard the term. It’s totally misused by the public, but they will set up defense mechanisms which are natural–unconscious because they’re so natural–mechanisms, meaning dynamics.
The modern term is dynamics for making their beliefs understandable–which means, translates into human feelings.
If you can’t follow it, okay. I can’t repeat it. That’s the best I could do for one shot. Basically I’m saying that they’ve tried to show you that they can paint themselves in a corner and I’m saying yes, they can. That’s all.
But now I’m willing to go a little further, but not necessarily forever. I’ll ask them why they believe that if they were happy, it would mean something they didn’t want it to mean. Why would it mean that they’re against what they’re for or that they’re for what they’re against? Why and how could it ever mean that?
You understand it ‘cause that’s what they were saying.
You’re looking at me questioningly, but actually that’s what they were saying. See what they were saying is, ‘if I stop being unhappy I can’t believe myself.’
“But who are you going to believe? Alright, dial up somebody every morning and you do it that way.’
‘What do you mean?’
Do you see?
You’re believing yourself when you’re unhappy because you’re believing that what it’s based on–is based on something. See, the reason when you’re unhappy, is you’re believing that that unhappiness you’re feeling, is based on something.
Now that you know it’s not based on something, you’re telling me you’re more glad to do that than to have a happiness that denies an unhappiness that’s not based on anything. And this is getting too heavy.
I’ve had all the philosophy I need. Thank you. But I bear with it and I try to be – and someone says that option is logical. No, it’s totally illogical–what’s going on. It’s just that I will follow it. That’s all.
Questions for Reflection
Explore asking yourself the questions in the “Option Method Study Extra – 1995 Question Summary”, also available on the membership web site.
Meditation for the Week
If people are unhappy, they have their own reasons.