Outline
- You don’t need to be against anything; you can just want something else more.
- You can only do what you want the most.
- “Bad” means wanted for unhappy reasons.
- Ultimately, you want what you want for no reasons at all.
- You can make up reasons to want what you want if you find that useful.
- As loving is not being unhappy with others, you can never be unloving, you can only feel as if you are unloving.
Introduction
In this talk, Bruce Di Marsico discusses wanting.
You don’t need to be against anything; you can just want something else more. For example, you may want health more than the flu, the flu more than cancer, cancer more than death, ordinary death more than death by torture. . . so there is nothing that you do not want, there are just things which you want more.
“Bad” means wanted for unhappy reasons. If speaking to someone in such a way that they feel hurt is “bad”, that ultimately can only mean that you spoke based on (mistakenly) believing you would have to feel a way you didn’t want.
Ultimately, you want what you want for no reasons at all. If you choose chocolate over vanilla ice cream, you can cite a reason, but there is no evidence that you understand your own motivations. Only this can be said truthfully: you wanted chocolate more than vanilla. But you can make up reasons to want what you want if you find that useful.
As loving is not being unhappy with others, you can never be unloving, you can only feel as if you are unloving; you want to be happy; happiness is by definition that which you want most; therefore, you can only imagine that you don’t want what you want most—you can never actually not want happiness, or being loving.
I want what I want
I just want what I want. It’s okay for me to want it, I don’t need it to be happier. If I’m unhappy, believe I need it to be happy. We say we need things when we’re unhappy, but we really know we don’t need whatever it is to be happier.
Whatever it is, I don’t need to want it. I don’t need not to want it. I don’t need not to want to want it. And I don’t need to want to want it. I don’t need anything. I just want whatever I want. I feel good wanting. Let yourself get in touch with the truth of this for yourself. I feel good wanting.
I feel good not wanting. I just feel good. I want whatever I know about. Some things I want more than others. The things I don’t think of, I don’t want. All I think of, I want. I dis-want nothing. There isn’t anything that is dis-want. There are just things I want more. What do I mean by dis-want? Things I’m against wanting.
There’s nothing you really dis-want. There’s just lots of things you want more. You don’t dis-want cancer. You want health more. Given the choice between having cancer and something else you considered more unhealthy, you’d want cancer. So it’s not that you don’t want any of those things. You want each thing, but some things you want more. You’d want disease if that was all that you could have or if that was the best you could have. You’d want that. It’s just that you want other things more. You want health more.
If by wanting one thing now, it turns out that I can’t have another thing I want more, that’s okay. I don’t need either of them anyway. If I know that somehow that by wanting the lesser, that would prevent my having what I want more, I will not do anything that I know will prevent me from having the thing I want more. It’s impossible.
If I know there’s one thing I want more and another thing I want less, I cannot do the lesser thing. I can only do for the thing I want more. I can’t do anything that I know would stand in the way of what I want more. For example, I want a new car and I want a vacation. And I can’t have both now, for example, because I do not enough money. I will want one of them more. That’s all. I will want one more than the other. Not that I won’t want one and will want the other. It’s just one I would want more. And if they’re equal in my mind, any little desire could tip the balance in either direction.
If I want the car now more, I will not go on the vacation, and if I want the vacation more, I will not buy the car. It’s impossible for me to go against what I want more. To think of anything is to tend toward it and to want it. If you’re unhappy, you might fear that you couldn’t want a particular thing. If you’re unhappy, you might fear that you would want something. Another way of saying it is that if you fear wanting, you would be unhappy. If you’re afraid of wanting, you’ll be unhappy.
Your experience is that if you are unhappy, you can fear that you could not want something or another. There might be something I just can’t want, because I’m unhappy. The truth of the matter is that if you feared wanting it, that’s why you would be unhappy. Just because you don’t seem to know why you want what you want, that doesn’t mean it’s wrong or that wanting it could make you unhappy.
Some things you want, you don’t worry about that you want them; you don’t seem to need to know why you want them, just that you want them–they seem natural, like food, air, shoes. You can give yourself some kind of a reason that tells yourself you need them, for example, that your body needs them or your life needs them, and then it’s okay to want them.
There are other things that you want, for what seems to be, no reason or for a bad reason. In other words, it came from your fear or unhappiness or need, and you disapprove of your wanting. You call that wanting bad and evil and try not to want what you believe you shouldn’t want, or to want what you believe you should want. And that’s unhappy. If you’re angry and want someone dead or frightened and need someone possessively, you disapprove of those desires because you really want something else more. For example, what you really want more is, the person you wanted dead, you really more would like them to live. And the person you feel possessive of, you really more want them to love you freely. So you want them dead but you more want them to live. You want to have them possessively but you more want them to love you freely.
“Bad” means wanted for unhappy reasons
Bad comes from when you realize you want something that you have unhappy reasons for wanting. That is why everybody says that sex and death and money are bad–because you have unhappy reasons for wanting them. There’s nothing wrong with wanting sex, death, money, whatever. There are other things you may want more when you realize that what you thought you needed, you don’t really need but only want.
You may fear that that wanting of these still means you need them. You fear wanting because you know there is no real reason to want them. You wonder why you would you want anything and why would you want one thing more than anything else, since your happiness doesn’t depend on anything you’ve already got, especially something you’ve only ever wanted out of unhappiness, like sex or money. Since you know they are of no real use to your happiness, you wonder why you could want them. They don’t seem natural like wanting air and water and sleep.
Something causes you to want what you want. But it isn’t reasons. All you could do with reasons is to have reasons not to want things. You want everything you think of. So it isn’t reasons that gives you the wanting. All reasons do is to give you reasons not to want them. First you tend toward a thing and you want it. Then you make up the reason for it.
First, all you become aware of is that you’re moving toward it, that you’re wanting it. It came into your mind and you’re tending toward it. Then you make up a reason to explain why you’re tending toward it, why you want it. This same something, which is a cause but not a reason, is the cause for your wanting anything and everything. Reasons are not the true cause for your wanting. Even if you want to protest right now that you really do want air and water for a reason. The only reason you can come up with, ultimately, is that you want to live. But then is that really a reason? Do you or can you have a reason for wanting to live?
There is a cause for your wanting to live. But not a reason. Are you wanting to live? Or are you breathing and living? And if you thought that you were wanting to live and if you thought there was a reason, you would make up a name for that reason. You’d say, I know the reason why I want to live, “I really want to live in order to be happier.” And that’s your made up reason for wanting to live. You say that wanting to be happier is a reason for everything, including life. Is wanting to be happier really a reason for everything, including your life? Since you know that nothing makes you happy or unhappy, or happier, you wonder why you really want everything.
No reasons are necessary
There are no reasons, but there are causes. You know you want to be happier and that is even a reason why you get unhappy. You know you really feel the wanting to be happier. What is the reason? You can make up some. That only leads in circles. If I was happier, I would be healthier and kinder. If I was happier, I’d be more loving. If I was happier, I’d be more efficient, etcetera. But I want those qualities because I believe with them I would be happier.
There is a cause for wanting to be happier and for wanting everything we want. There is no reason unless you want there to be. Reasons are made up. All you know is that you want. You don’t really have a reason. You make up a reason. What’s your reason for wanting to be happier? Everything you say you want, you tell me “the reason I want that is because I believe it will make me happier.” What’s your reason for wanting to be happier? No reason. You just want it. And so everything you’re doing just comes to that.
You know the cause for wanting to be happier: because you want to be. Because there’s no way not to be. There’s no way not to want to be, because that’s you, because it is in you, because it’s always been in you. It’s the whole goal of your existence. You can give that a name, any name you want. But you’d only be giving it a name, but that wouldn’t explain it.
Your reasons and your rules don’t hold in this universe. You make up your reasons. They have nothing to do with what is. Your rules of “what is possible” are irrelevant.
If you’ve been waiting to be loved…
Your greatest fear is that you might not do what you always wanted to do, be happy. That somehow there’d be something wrong with you. Who thinks that they’re never really able to be happy, that they’re never really able to reach happiness?
You’ll be happy because you want to be. All you have to know is that you can love. That’s all you’ve ever wanted to know. You don’t need to know that you’re loved. You have always said, “I need to know first that I’m loved before I can love.” Now you know you are loved. So all you need to do is let yourself know that you really are loving. And you can know that you’re loving by being glad, feeling grateful, for what you have. Whenever you feel you are unloving, you’re only feeling you’re unloving—you are not actually unloving.
If you’re doing that you think is best, just ask yourself, “Why do you think you have to be unhappy, just because there’s no reason to be happy? ”
Questions for Reflection
What are some things you don’t want?
For each item, what is something you want even less?
If offered a choice between the item that you “don’t want”, and what you want even less, which would you want more?
“Bad” means wanted for unhappy reasons. If speaking to someone in such a way that they feel hurt is “bad”, that ultimately can only mean that you spoke based on (mistakenly) believing you would have to feel a way you didn’t want.
Take any decision that you have made today. Answer the question: “For what reasons did you choose what you choose?”, and then ask, “And for what reasons where those reasons important to you?” Repeat this second question, until you come to an ultimate answer, or you get exhausted. . .
Meditation for the Week
All you know is that you want. You don’t really have a reason.