Outline
- Unhappiness seems to happen for a variety of reasons, but it does not.
- The only reason for unhappiness is believing that you are the reason you are not getting what you want.
- Unhappiness is: There’s something wrong with me, and that is why I am not getting what I want.
- We intend our unhappiness to help mobilize us, but we do not need this help.
- You can only want to motivate yourself towards something if you are already moving towards it, and so “extra” motivation is redundant or counterproductive.
- Having the belief “There must be something wrong with me” can be used as a reason to believe there is something wrong with you.
Introduction
In this talk, Bruce Di Marsico discusses the core reason for unhappiness behind all apparent reasons. Unhappiness seems to happen for a variety of reasons, but it does not. The only reason for unhappiness is believing that you are the reason you are not getting what you want.
Unhappiness is: There’s something wrong with me, and that is why I am not getting what I want. We intend our unhappiness to help mobilize us, but we do not need this help. You can only want to motivate yourself towards something if you are already moving towards it, and so “extra” motivation is redundant or counterproductive.
Bruce also warns against the characteristic misery when people use the Option Method against themselves instead of for themselves: having the belief “There must be something wrong with me” can be used as a reason to believe there is something wrong with you.
Readings
We have discussed unhappiness in terms of chains and series of causes, “I am unhappy because of this, I am unhappy because of that”. And we’ve gotten to understand that unhappiness is a chain of events, just as happiness is a chain of events. We’ve gotten to understand that we can analyze them and that our job as analysts would be just to analyze that chain of causes and effects. What I want to do tonight is to bring it full circle. I’m back to telling you that none of that is true, none of that is really where its at, that that’s not the way it is. There really isn’t a whole series of chains and connections. There aren’t really the reason for this is the reason for that is the reason for this, but that is the way it seems to be. And I guess you know that too probably. All the things that we call reasons are really equivalent. Now, I’m unhappy because such and such a thing happened. I’m unhappy because this, I’m unhappy because that, but all of those “because’s”, in a sense, are just simply another kind of restating.
When someone stated “I’m unhappy, because, and I’m unhappy then, because. . .” they gave a reason. All right, that’s true. Pragmatically speaking, it does make a difference for you to know the reasons. “ I’m unhappy because I’m not comfortable, I’m sad because I’m unhappy.” Though you know they’re really meaning the same thing, pragmatically it makes a difference. So, then you fish around to get another kind of an answer to give you something to talk about, and you take that and ask “why does that make you unhappy?”, and the answer comes “that makes me unhappy because. ”
Now, I want to show you that those are also really equivalent, that all happiness and all the feelings about unhappiness are all the same, none of them are really very different from each other. We’ve often said that “I am okay” means the same as “I am happy.” “I’m okay” means “I’m happy” means “well-being.” So, we’ve got all kinds of equivalent terms for that: I’m where I want to be, doing what I want to do, I’m happy, I’m feeling what I want to feel. I’m joyous, I’m at peace. So, it is with unhappiness. Being unhappy as we’ve often said and often seen, comes from the belief that I ought to be unhappy about something. That it’s impossible to be unhappy without the belief that I ought to be unhappy.
We’ve always talked about the belief that I ought to be unhappy and unhappiness itself as cause and effect. I want to show you that they are really only the same thing: I have said “your being unhappy comes from the belief that you ought to be unhappy”; let me now say that that being unhappy is that belief. Up until now, we’ve always talked about them, for pedagogical purposes, as one comes from the other. One is the other. Being unhappy doesn’t come from the belief that I ought to be unhappy, it doesn’t come from the belief that I must be unhappy or I should be unhappy, but it is exactly the same as the belief “I must be unhappy.” We say “unhappy is because I don’t get what I want” (and it really boils down to that no matter how we put it). Then we give all kinds of reasons for that. “I’m not getting what I want because I’m not wanting it enough, or I’m not unhappy enough or …”
It is not a “because.” Unhappiness doesn’t come from not getting what I want, but in a real sense it is not getting what I want. Being unhappy is not getting what I want. We could say “what I want is to be happy, so being unhappy is not getting what I want, which is to be happy.” And even though we may put all kinds of particulars in the way like money or health or love. I’m unhappy that I’m not getting what I want. The reason why I want these is because I want happiness, and I think this will give it to me. But I want to show that they don’t come from each other, that they are all the same thing. So, if I say I’m unhappy because I don’t have money, I’m unhappy because I’m not loved, it’s really not because of these. “I’m unhappy” is I am not getting what I want, which in this case is love or in this case is money or in this case is health. And unhappiness doesn’t come from that, that is unhappiness.
“What I am unhappy about is that I am not getting what I want.” That almost universally is accepted by anyone as what unhappiness means. Now, we’re changing it to my unhappiness is the same thing as not getting what I want. But why is unhappiness the same thing as not getting what I want? Under what circumstances, how would be really okay with us if we didn’t get what we wanted? No one could know unhappiness about not getting what they wanted, if they didn’t believe that they were the reason that they weren’t getting what they wanted.
The only reason you can be unhappy is because you believe you’re making yourself unhappy. You may have noticed anytime you have ever come to the conclusion that what you wanted really was impossible, you stopped being unhappy about it. When the dead were finally dead in your mind, you were no longer unhappy about the dead. When the job was finally lost and finally done, and there was no way back to that job, you were no longer unhappy about having been fired. If there is unhappiness at all after that, it’s in reference to something else similar, where you may mess up and you are trying to prevent yourself from being at fault or of being the cause you are not getting what you want. The fear is of your being the cause of your not getting to what you want. That is what unhappiness is. Unhappiness doesn’t come from that, it’s what it is. I’m unhappy because I don’t get what I want, but that would be okay if it wasn’t my fault and truly not in my power. If I really saw and really believed that it was not in my power, I would not be unhappy that I didn’t get what I want. There would be no need to motivate myself through unhappiness; there would be no sense in motivating myself through unhappiness.
And when we see that there is nothing to motivate ourselves for, we can’t be unhappy. So, I want to make a new statement. To be unhappy, I have to believe I could have or should have made a difference. The facts prove somehow that you didn’t make a difference. Why we keep saying to ourselves, I must be unhappy or I should be unhappy or I ought to be unhappy? To motivate ourselves. Why do we want to motivate ourselves? Why do we talk about motivation? What is motivation? Why do we think we want to motivate ourselves towards something and for what? To be unhappy I have to believe I could or should have made a difference, the fact that I didn’t make a difference proves that there must be something wrong with me. That awareness, (I am hesitating to call it a belief) that there must be something wrong with me is unhappiness. Is the reason, the cause, the rationale, the motivation, the very essence of unhappiness. It is the thing that explains to me everything that I could ever need to know about why I didn’t get what I wanted. It’s the thing that explains to me why I am not who I want to be. It explains to me why I am not motivated. It explains to me why I am 5 feet behind where I want to be. It motivates me, but it also accounts for “I am not motivated” and it also accounts for “I need motivation”, it also accounts for such a thing as motivation.
What is wanting? Wanting is just simply moving toward. We often say that we use wanting as a motivation, but it is the same thing as motivation. We made distinctions on motivations: there is wanting as a way to motivate yourself and needing is a way to motivate yourself, but what is motivating oneself mean? It means moving towards, mobilizing yourself. Why would you want to mobilize yourself? Somehow you believe you are not mobilizing yourself; somehow there is a question of mobilizing yourself. I’m asking myself “why I am not being mobilized?” Now, I can answer that in one or two ways. I mobilize myself because I want to or I need to. Why am I not being mobilized toward leaving this room? I don’t want it enough or because I am needing to not. Why am I not understanding the Option Method? Why doesn’t it live in my life? Why am I not happier than I am? Why am I not less than happy? There must be something wrong with me, and I’ll come up with all kinds of nice little nouns to explain it. I’m stupid, I’m sick, I need more time, I’m stubborn, I’m a recalcitrant, I am confused, I am this, I am that, I am … – there’s something wrong with me. And we have a whole constellation of vocabulary to explain that there must be something wrong with me. What’s wrong with me? The belief that there must be something wrong with me. But is it a belief or is not indeed, that there is something wrong with me?
There is awareness, an incontrovertible, undisputable awareness that there is something wrong with me. Whenever I want to know why I am not where I want to be, the very fact that I want to know it is because there is something wrong with me, and the very answer to the question is because there is something wrong with me. The reason for the question is because there is something wrong with me and the answer to the question is because there must be something wrong with me. And when I ask myself why am I not a happier person, my answer has to be, there must be something wrong with me. But then I say, well, why did I ask the question, why am I am not a happier person? That’s because there must be something wrong with me. Well, why do I want to believe that there must be something wrong with me? There must be something wrong with me for wanting to believe there must be something wrong with me, because I know there is nothing wrong with me. So, there must be something wrong with me. And we constantly you are facing this.
Ever since you were children when you didn’t get what you wanted, you said to yourself pre-verbally, however you want to call it, there must be something wrong with me. You wanted to stay up, they’d put you to bed. I want to stay up; they are making me go to bed. There must be something wrong with me. I am hungry and they are feeding me, there must be some reason why they are not feeding me. There must be something wrong with me. I don’t want to eat the food, they are trying to force down my throat. There must be something wrong with me. First of all, for not liking the food, the second of all for not being able to motivate them to not give it to me. How come I can’t make my mother treat me nicer? There must be something wrong with me. How come I can’t enjoy the way she is treating me? There must be something wrong with me. And every time I’ve never gotten what I wanted, there must be something wrong with me. That would explain it.
And so, ever since you were children, you wanted to believe, you have believed, you have been aware, there must be something wrong with you. And that all hinges on the concept that you should have made a difference, that you should have been able to have what you didn’t have, and that there was a reason why you didn’t have it and you were the reason. So and so doesn’t love me. There must be something wrong with you that people don’t love you. Oh, yes, if I were happier, people would love me more. That’s what it is, that’s what’s wrong with me. So, you become a follower of the Option Method, and now you “know” what’s wrong with you is that you are unhappy.
For wanting what I can’t have, there must be something wrong with me. I want you to love me, you are not loving me. That presents me with a dilemma, either there is something wrong with you or there is something wrong with me. Let’s say I go with “there is something wrong with you.” But then, how come I can’t make the difference? How come even though there is something wrong with you, my being the good person that I am has not made you change, at least in my case? Why haven’t I been able to win you over? Why haven’t I been able to cure you? Why haven’t I been able to get your love?
I took a survey and I found that no one is God. And everybody I asked who they were, none of them were God. See, what’s wrong with you is you become aware that you are not all powerful. That you don’t have the power to do everything. You know that, you are aware of it, you become aware of it as a child. What’s wrong with me is I am not you, and I am not all there is and that I am not all powerful. And if I can’t get you to love me, there must be something wrong with me. If I can’t get you to be happy, there must be something wrong with me, because I should be able to do that. Why do I think I should be able to do that? Because that’s what I am trying to do.
The reason I believe I should be able to make my mother change me when I am wet, is because that’s what I want. What do I mean by want? That’s what I move toward. I move from wetness to dryness. I just move there and it doesn’t happen, and I say why, why. Why doesn’t it happen? Why haven’t I moved? But I am moving, and I don’t become aware of my own movement, that you are becoming happy.
It is very similar to this. You always constantly talk about your past as if it were present. You say “I’m the kind of person who’ll” – even if you’re not being that kind of person, right now. “I get unhappy when. . .” even if it’s not occurring at that moment. You assume that you’re back where you were, to account for why you are not where you want to be. Somehow you know you are moving somewhere. You are moving toward being more happy. You are, you are just simply moving toward being more well, being more yourself, being more whatever. And to account for why you are not where you are going, you say
“of course, I am back there.” It’s like a person who is walking down a path and looks over their shoulder and says, “why am I back there?” And he’s not back there, what he means is “why am I not over there?”
Questions for Reflection
Do you believe you need a “better” attitude in some area of your life?
Why have you not chosen to manifest such an attitude?
Given that you do not have a “better” attitude, how can you know that the “better” attitude is indeed “better”?
Are there ways you use the Option Method to “prove” to yourself that you are not as happy as you should be?
Meditation for the Week
You are always and only moving toward being more happy.