Outline
The Option Attitude
- An Option practitioner is good at listening.
- We are not here to make somebody be happy who doesn’t think it’s a good idea.
- The Option Method is a tool.
- The Option Method is to help people to not need help.
- In the Option Method, we do not give advice.
- Compassion is wanting to help a person know that maybe they don’t have to be unhappy.
Introduction
In this lecture, Bruce Di Marsico talks about the foundation of the Option Method: the Option Attitude.
The Option Attitude includes knowing that the client is always right, that your knowing why the client is unhappy does the client no good, even if you’re right, and that the Option practitioner is not here to make somebody be happy who doesn’t think it’s a good idea.
A dialogue on “Functional Unhappiness” is included. Functional Unhappiness is pretending to be unhappy because it is a social norm in a given situation, and then starting to forget that you are pretending!
READINGS
The Option Method Attitude
I’m good at listening and so one of the things that an option practitioner is, is good at listening. You can’t practice the Option Method if you’re not going to listen to the answers. It’s impossible because then all you are, is all those other people, who has an idea of what should happen; an idea of where this session should turn up and how it should turn out and where this person should go.
All I know is what they say. Now they’re saying too much really. They’re trying to tell me something and that is that their unhappiness is infallible, insurmountable and infallible. That it will never fail them. It’ll always be there – unhappiness and that it’s invulnerable and it can’t be beat.
I guess the same thing is true about Casper the Friendly Ghost. What’s your problem then? You see? That’s when I have to come back and always help each person to understand well, why are you here? What is it you want?
See, what you’ve done is you’ve put me on the other side. You’ve made it me versus you. That I want you to be happier than you want to be and I’m somehow wanting you to be happier and you’re not wanting to be. That’s fine with me. I didn’t put a sign up and say, “Hey, Sara Jones, please come in. I bet I can beat your happiness and exercise your demons.” So I go again, “why are you here and what are you here for?” Boy, is that a relief to them. You see, this person was going to this heady heady land thinking that they were dealing with some genius. Albeit I might not deny it, it doesn’t apply here.
No, no, I just want to help you with what you wanted help with. That’s all. What they saw is that they got help with something and they’re afraid that I’m going to start helping them more. That’s their fear and that’s an honest fear. That’s all they’re saying, “But I’m afraid you might help me some more with things that I’m not asking for help for.” They found they painted themselves in the corner and that’s really okay. I wasn’t going to bother them.
So that’s what I say is that, “there is no problem then? Why are you here now? What would you like from me now? Here’s what I do. If I haven’t explained it the moment they walked in the door, I certainly explain it after their first happiness when they start going nuts. I say, “What I’m here to do is to help people who want to be less unhappy, to not need help to be less unhappy. That’s it. And if you want to keep using me for that so you can be less and less and less unhappy, glad to be of service. But I’m not here to make somebody not be unhappy or to make somebody happy who doesn’t think it’s a good idea, who thinks it’s going to make them phony.”
Although I still will ask the question, “Why do you believe that if you’re happy, you’re in any way going to be against yourself? If when you were unhappy you knew what you wanted, why wouldn’t you still know it when you’re happy? You knew that you wanted it.”
People say, “Well if I’m happy I’m afraid I won’t care.” Okay. “Well maybe that’s because you really don’t care.” Oh, you never heard that? Well that’s an essential part of the Option Method. You can’t practice the Option Method without having that sense of compassion with a person.
Compassion is the bottom line in the Option Method. That’s the absolute requirement and if you ever want to learn to do it for yourself, you’ve got to be at least as nice to you as you would be to others. You’ve got to know when you’re ready to deal with something and when you’re not. And you’ve got to know when you don’t want to question your unhappiness and when you’d be glad to. When you get unhappy enough you’ll be glad to.
Like my mother says, “When you’re hungry enough you’ll eat anything.” So even that Option Method which can make you happy you thought, you haven’t used it, you could use it. It’s a tool. It’s fundamentally a tool.
So what I do in the Option Method is I help people to not need help to be less unhappy. I will help them all the way–there’s a few of them over there–to great happiness, tremendous happiness because they wanted to use the method and they used it and they used it every way.
Nearly all follow-up work in the Option Method is learning its relevance. Where it’s relevant and where it’s pertinent. It’s not to relearn it and relearn it and relearn it and relearn it.
The principle of the Option Method is to take unhappiness from that vague cloud of confusion and that which just happens to you by fate and bad genetics or whatever and bring it down to the real dynamics (which I’m pointing now to this chart) that cause emotions, your beliefs and your judgments and that people who want to get happier and happier don’t need to do this all the time.
You see, only this is to prove that unhappiness doesn’t happen to you. It’s just merely to prove that unhappiness doesn’t happen to you, do you see? And that’s a powerful step and a big step and that’s the step from an old life to a new life to realize that you do cause your emotions.
You can use the word choose, but only in this restricted sense. You cause your emotions by the beliefs you allow yourself to have which you don’t even realize are beliefs, which you’re going to have to look at to see if they’re beliefs or not; to see what you’re believing.
Functional Unhappiness
One could have the very happy experience for instance of thinking that they might be unhappy, looking at what they’re believing, and finding that they don’t have such a belief to produce such a feeling, and therefore what? They’re not unhappy and that is a great relief.
What they are is functionally illusionally unhappy because they’re afraid they’re unhappy and that fear works as good as any other as a fear, but it doesn’t mean that it has any basis on their own experience.
So in other words if you mistake your own experience and then you realize that you’ve mistaken your own experience, any judgments you’ve made on that are gone. If you mistook somebody for your sister and you went up to kiss them and you saw they weren’t your sister, all those feelings usually are gone replaced by other kinds, if she’s pretty or not. But that’s it.
When the thing is seen to be as your own illusion you don’t credit it with the same validity. You say oh, that’s only my illusion or that’s my dream or that was my belief. So, that’s what one can do. One can explore one’s feelings, find out there are no beliefs about them, no unhappy beliefs involved, there’s no belief that you should be feeling that way, and then ask yourself, “then what’s the problem?”
See, usually the problem with symptoms . . . I’ve seen a lot of questions here sometimes about symptoms of unhappiness. You didn’t call them that, but I do. The first thing you learn is that symptoms are something to be unhappy about. If they’re symptoms of unhappiness or if they’re symptoms of disease, are they still anything to be unhappy about, in and of themselves, and why do you believe they are?
So it could be that people who are afraid of so-called unhappiness symptoms, that feel bad about having symptoms of unhappiness, are just simply that. They feel bad about having symptoms of unhappiness, especially when they don’t have any reason to be unhappy, except now they’re feeling bad about having symptoms for being unhappy. You see, they think they saw symptoms.
I often meet with people who believe that they’re unhappy and aren’t. I mean that may sound funny. Yes, they’re unhappy but they really aren’t. They come and tell me all these symptoms they had about this and that and they’re excited really or they’re horny or they’re just very peaceful and quiet when everybody else is being all riled up or they’re all frenetic when everybody else is all calmed down.
People who worry about their feelings, you see, that’s a worry. That’s true because they’re worried about their feelings, but they’re worried that those feelings are unhappy or they’re wrong. Many times those feelings aren’t unhappy feelings. They’re exactly what they are. A person is at peace and calm and everybody else is all hyped up and saying what’s the matter with you. Why aren’t you getting all riled up? Why aren’t you happy?
Questioner: But now that worry is now what I’m experiencing is bad which brings the unhappiness.
No; it’s functional. At this point you’re a faker. Look, what you’re doing, for instance, is you are creating the feelings that you have. Like say you’re at peace and you’re resting and somebody says to you, ‘Why aren’t you happy?’ Implying you should be happy. What do you believe about the question?
Questioner: I’d say I believe that yeah, I should be excited and I’m not.
No; what do you believe about the question? In other words, you believe that’s a good question.
Questioner: It’s hypothetical, but yeah, let’s say I believe it’s a good question.
You agree with them that you should be happier. Why do you believe that you were not happy if you were at peace?
Questioner: ‘Cause I’m believing their definition.
It’s the old teenage I dare you, that’s all. Why aren’t you like me? I’m the way to be. Oh yeah; right. Then you should say something sarcastic; set them in their place or go to sleep. Or really tell them you love depression.
What he loves is probably being left alone. You’ve got to bring a fly swatter with you. Do you understand what I’m saying? So then all you’ve done is you’ve chosen to believe somebody that you are indeed unhappy. You’re not even looking at your own experience, okay? That’s what I mean by faking. You don’t even have the experience of being unhappy. Well you say, you are, you agree that you are, even though you’re not. That’s faking.
Questioner: Yeah; so I’m lying to myself.
No; you’re lying, yeah; period. To God, too, I suppose. You’re not unhappy. You know you’re not unhappy. So someone says to you you’re unhappy and you say, ‘Oh, I didn’t know that.’ You’re goddamn right you didn’t know that. That’s functional unhappiness.
But still you’re lying. You aren’t unhappy. You didn’t tell the truth. They said, ‘Aren’t you unhappy?’ Your answer truly should be no if it’s going to be a true answer. Okay. So that’s what I meant by lying. You’re faking.
Now you’ve created a problem that only you can undo, which is true about all unhappiness anyway, but you have to undo this differently. You have to just start admitting the truth.
Questions for Reflection
Consider the last few times people gave you advice. Did you welcome it? Was it useful to you? Think of some times when you have given people advice, and it has not benefited them, or they have resented your giving it.
Make a list of some situations which you are unhappy about that you want to stay unhappy about, for now. How would you feel if someone insisted that you shouldn’t be unhappy about these situations?
Make a list of some situations in which you are “supposed” to be unhappy (e.g., when someone cuts in front of you in line, when a child drops an ice cream cone). Include cases where you are “supposed” to be angry, sad, and afraid. Do you want to be unhappy in those situations? Whom does it benefit if you are unhappy? Could you act unhappy instead, if it was really beneficial? Consider, could you be happy and forceful instead of angry, happy and wanting connection instead of sad, happy and wanting to avoid instead of fearful?
Meditation for the Week
- The Option Method is to help people help themselves not be unhappy about something that they want to less unhappy about.