Editorial commentary in italics
Essence of “Not Knowing Wants”
There is no such thing as “I don’t know” my wanting.
When someone says that they do not know what they want, they really mean that they do not know whether what they want will help them get whatever else they may want.
Everyone knows exactly they want now. Only when we question whether it will get us what else we want will we have to re-evaluate our present desire.
If we believe it truly will prevent more of what we also want, we will no longer want it. If we believe it will surely contribute, we will want it without further question. If we don’t know, we can want our present wanting to be part of our total wanting. We can also want whatever we want, and want to wait to act. When someone asks us if we want something, sometimes we want something like what was proposed, but not exactly.
Example: Being invited to a party
You are invited to a party. Beneath the feeling of “I don’t know if I want to go to the party” is one of these wantings:
Wanting if conditions are met: I want to go to the party IF some other condition is met, for example, that I can bring my friend.
Wanting to not let you know my wanting: I don’t want to go to the party and I want you to not be insulted. So perhaps I will accept, and then later make up a trivial excuse.
Wanting to wait to decide: I want to have more information before deciding to go the party tonight. For example, I want to wait to see if I am in a party mood immediately before the party.
When someone says they do not know what they want
June 1975
When someone says that they do not know what they want (want to do, or want to have, or want to feel), they really mean that they do not know whether what they want will help them get whatever other things they may want in the future.
Everyone knows exactly what they want now. Only when we question whether it will get us what else we want will we have to reevaluate our present desire.
That can be simple.
If we believe that what we want now will prevent more of what else we also want, we will no longer want it. If we believe that what we want now will surely contribute to what else we want, we will want it without further question.
If we don’t know to our satisfaction whether what we want now will contribute to what we else want, or not (which is usually the only reason the question arises), we can just simply know that we want our present wanting to be part of our total wanting.
What else can we do? Become numb or paralyzed? We can if we want to. Then we will have the question of whether paralysis contributes to our answering the original question of whether our present wanting contributes to our total wanting.
Sometimes the answer can never be seen as certain. Wanting to wait for certainty is usually based on the fear that a negative outcome will cause unhappiness. Why not realize that we want whatever we want and we want to wait to act?
Something we think of doing seems attractive (wanted), but I am not ready to prepare to do it in any active way other than by wanting to do it. For example, I am asked. “Do you want to come to my party tomorrow?” I like the idea of my being there but at the moment I am not going to say yes. If you want an answer now, then perhaps I’ll decline the invitation. Or perhaps I’ll accept the invitation, knowing interiorly that I am free to change my mind.
The simple fact is that we are knowing exactly what we want, but there are other things wanted as part of that wanting. For example, I want to go to that party and I want to bring a friend, or I want it to start earlier, etc. In other words, I want something like what you propose but not exactly as proposed.
If we make a modified proposal when we experience this “not knowing what we want” we can easily decide. When we become aware of the additional condition of what we are wanting to do, we may even realize that we don’t want to propose the modification. We may then just know “yes” or “no” to what we want to question.
We did not become aware of what we fully wanted because we stuck with the question of whether our wanting can screw us. The only answer is: “I want what I want to contribute to whatever else I want.” Then, wanting all you want, do whatever you chose to do (or say) freely, happily. What else can you do? Everything else is based on the belief that what you want may screw you, rather than on the equal desire that your wanting will contribute to your other wanting.
A dilemma only arises when someone knows exactly what they want but fears their wanting not contributing to their other wanting, rather than desiring their wanting to contribute to their other wanting.
Say yes or no gladly. You can also change your mind if you want to. There is no such thing as “I don’t know” my wanting.