Outline
Pain and Unhappiness
- Pain and unhappiness are not the same thing
- People are worried they could have pain for a reason
- The greatest problem with pain is embarrassment and feeling helpless
- Happiness might allow the body to best take care of itself
Nothing causes Unhappiness
- Regrets are being afraid you didn’t do something you needed to do for your happiness
- Unhappiness doesn’t actually exist.
Introduction
In this lecture, Bruce Di Marsico discusses pain and unhappiness. He talks about how that the biggest fear around pain is often around feelings of helplessness.
He also elaborates on the illusory nature of unhappiness.
Pain and unhappiness
Questioner: I have a question around symptoms. You talked about, “you give yourself the knot in the stomach.” But say a person has a physical problem. They have an illness. And then with that illness comes symptoms that one might call pain.
Okay. So the big trick it to not be unhappy about the pain, or the illness for that matter.
Questioner: But I think for many of us the pain and the unhappiness are like so tightly linked together that the pain and the unhappiness all happen at the same time.
There are many of us who know the difference between our pains and knowing we’re not unhappy about them. But the person who has an arthritic joint and feels tremendous pain; the question of whether they’re unhappy about that or not is still a valid question. Because what pain says is that you don’t want it. The very fact that you’re experiencing it, I already know you don’t want it. But people don’t know that about themselves. And they’re afraid, sometimes, that pain says they do want it. And what they feel bad about is that they could have pain for that reason. For instance, how could a person who doesn’t want pain have pain? How could they be so shameful as to have the pain?
So there are lots of connotations to pain that have nothing to do with the pain itself. I’ve worked in this business long enough to know that the greatest problem with pain is embarrassment. The real problem with pain is that you believe it’s going to make you act like a schnook or a schmuck. Something like that. That pain is going to make you ugly, unattractive. And especially when you yell and scream in pain. Nobody’s going to want to feed you, clothe you, keep you warm and make sure you get a good place to sleep that night.
You’re afraid, if the pain continues, you’re going to be unfit for human consumption. And that’s what I have found that people are afraid of when they’re in pain. Not the pain. But what they’re afraid it’ll make them be, do or seem. And those are fears and beliefs. And so we look at those beliefs and we can help them. And when they’re no longer afraid of their pain, for one thing, it feels differently. If it doesn’t, in fact, go away, in so far as some pains are caused by the tension and the fear of having a pain, and prolonged because of that, the pains could actually subside. Not to say that fear made them have pain. I don’t subscribe that unhappiness causes pain. But lack of unhappiness might well lessen pain.
And happiness might well allow the body to do whatever it best can do to take care of it so you don’t feel it as pain. Even if it gave you just enough brains to go to the doctor to get rid of the pain. But people who over-psychologize are always in trouble. Whether it’s with pain or a stutter right, or a tear in their eye or fast movement or anything like that. Because they’re always psychoanalyzing themselves. And they’re always looking for fault in themselves.
There’s a very good reason why people do that, I should add. And it’s very good in its intentions. You hope that if you’re at fault, you can fix it. So you’re looking to find yourself to be the nut. You hope that you’re the crazy person who’s constantly screwing yourself like this and it’s not God, who you strongly suspect or the whole world, which you’ve already learned is paranoia. And you don’t want to do that.
So some people are very quick to look, “What’s wrong with them, what’s wrong with me, what’s wrong with . . . ? If I don’t get what I want there’s something wrong with me. If people don’t like me, there’s something wrong with me. If somebody doesn’t read my mind in the right way, there’s something wrong with me. If I don’t get the right change there’s something wrong with me. What did I do that they cheated me? What did I do that they lie to me? What did I do that they love me? Why am I followed by all these little ragamuffins and beggars?” Whatever your dramatic melody may be. The point is, people often want to see themselves as a cause of their pains and a cause of their problems.
But pain and unhappiness aren’t the same thing. The fact that people may connect them is matter for question. I agree. You say they automatically connect them. Well, I say that just proves good learning. They just learn to do that and they just always do it. But it is certainly possible to have pain without unhappiness. But the way you would start is not being unhappy about the pain. Because you’re unhappy about the pain because of what it means. Remember that?
If somebody’s unhappy about their pain; they’re unhappy about what it means. Not the pain as such because the pain makes them do things, right? It makes them act like a baby. So now we’ve got a whole bunch of people who feel bad; feeling like a baby. Because when you are in a lot of pain you feel like a baby. Don’t you? Have you ever been honest enough to admit it? I’ve been in enough pain to admit it. When you’re in a lot of pain you feel just like a baby. You don’t know what to do to help yourself. If you’re very sick you feel like a baby.
And all of a sudden, you know you’re over twenty-one and you wonder, “Is it okay to feel like a baby?” You just assume there must be something wrong with you that you feel like such a baby. You must be frightened. You’re feeling like a frightened baby.
No you’re not. You’re feeling like a baby. You’re feeling like a helpless infant in all the ways that you actually are helpless, at that moment. That’s not a frightened state. When a child is helpless, a child is just simply helpless. A child isn’t necessarily frightened. You think it’s bad to feel like a baby.
And that’s one of the things that we could question in looking at pain. Or we could question that you’re a burden on others when you show them how much pain you’re in. They all feel that they have to do something about it and they haven’t got the slightest idea what to do about it. You’re dying of cancer and everybody else is pulling out their hair. And you don’t know how to stop them. What can you say? What can you do? Are you supposed to say something? Are you supposed to do something? How guilty do you feel for not knowing what to say and do?
Nothing Causes Unhappiness
So those are things that are involved. And there you are suffering in pain, and not knowing what to do, and feeling like you’re stupid. And now comes the question. Here’s your test. Are you allowed to be happy when you’re stupid? I like to tell my clients right up front, at some point, somewhere around the 1,000th session, that they’re never going to be happy until it’s really okay to be stupid. Nobody can be. It’s got to be okay to not know. And I don’t care what that is, but it’s got to be okay to not know it. Until it’s okay to be stupid, you’ll never be happy.
Because all forms of unhappiness are these regrets that you’ve made yourself ignorant, and you’ve made your brain not work right for you, and you’ve made yourself not be on your own behalf. When I’ve told you all the definitions of unhappiness, and said “unhappiness is this and unhappiness is that,” unhappiness is certainly the fear that you don’t act on your own behalf, that you don’t always do for your own good and for your own happiness. But that’s only just simply a myth. That’s just a problem.
Because you believe there are things you can do for your happiness. And you’re afraid you don’t do them. And you’re afraid you passed up some of those things you need to do for your happiness. But there aren’t “those things”. There isn’t anything you need to do to become happy. There’s nothing you’re supposed to do. And in the Option Method that’s what you get to see. There is nothing you’re supposed to do to stop being unhappy. And there’s nothing you’re supposed to do to be happy. Nothing.
And I literally mean it. And I can prove it. And that’s what the Option Method shows you. And as you can see, if we use this paradigm and use the questions I’m asking, a person would be able to see that there’s nothing they need to do to be not unhappy. There are no steps they need to take. There’s no pain or process they need to go through. Nothing. Nothing. The bottom line of the Option Method is that some people have learned that nothing causes unhappiness.
As controversial or as strange or weird as that may sound there are some people who know that nothing causes unhappiness. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. Nothing. That’s what causes unhappiness. Now people want to know the weight of that nothing, and the size and shape of that nothing, and how long of a life does it have, and especially how expensive will it be. But nothing causes unhappiness. And so nothing needs to be done to be rid of it. It was only believed in. We find out that all the unhappiness that people have; they believed in. Nothing was causing it.
And there’s quite a big difference between something being believed in and something existing. Believing that something exists gives it a kind of fictional existence. But it doesn’t give it a real existence. It just gives it a phenomenological existence, which is not the same. See, exorcisms can work then. Flea powder could work. The weight of something that doesn’t exist can’t be heavier than something else that doesn’t exist. You know, there are simple fundamentals in life that people don’t understand.
You’ll all agree with me that five years ago is the past and doesn’t exist. But you probably all believe that 10 years ago is twice as long ago. I’m not trying to teach you philosophy; it’s just a little joke to show you how the mind works. Something 10 years old is not something twice as old as something five years old; we just say that for convenience in order to run insurance businesses and things like that. We have purposes for making these comparisons.
But they’re not real. Something that doesn’t exist can’t be compared to something else that doesn’t exist. Someone asked me is happiness and unhappiness not equal, and I asked them, “Which is heavier, three or green?” If you say they’re of equal weight we’re not talking about the same thing.
So when we’re mixing all of these quantitative measurements and judgments, we say, “is happiness equal to unhappiness? Is something equal to nothing?” Something that’s nothing, is nothing. So it isn’t a something. You can’t measure it against a something. Unhappiness, if it’s nothing, can’t be weighed or compared against happiness, which is something. It is the way you really feel. Happiness is the feeling of freedom. Freedom is real. Freedom is, “that’s the way you go, baby. You know, just go.” That’s freedom. And that’s what I love. And that’s what you love.
Unhappiness is “Where should I go? Can I go now? What’d you say? How much does it cost? Who’s looking? Should I? Shouldn’t I? Can I? Can’t I?” That’s unhappiness. And you’re not talking to anybody about anything. You’re relating to nothing. If you say, “Well, I’m following a law”—there is no law for unhappiness! All of the laws having to do with unhappiness are made up. There is no law in nature for unhappiness. Is there? And those are the kind of challenges that unhappy people present to us.
And that’s what the Option Method is exquisitely designed to deal with, just those kinds of challenges. We just know that emotions are what we’re talking about. And you have emotions you don’t like. I’m not here to fix your good emotions. And people say, you know, I’m in love with somebody. Can you help me stop? I’m really turned on to certain kinds of things and I need help to stop. That includes gay people. That’s a very common complaint among gay people. They say that they don’t like that they’re attracted to what they’re attracted to.
But, of course, they are. They love what they’re attracted to. If they were really honest, what they don’t like is the rest of us, who say that they’re wrong. Of course they love what they’re attracted to. They’re just sick and tired of hearing how bad they are for it. Okay. They may believe their bad but they don’t believe they’re not attracted to what they are attracted to. And they don’t believe they don’t love it. They just merely believe their bad. Well, we can do that about anything. No big special class of people there. You rank with step-mothers and other ethnic groups and slave owners and rich people—all the kinds of people that people hate.
Questions for Reflection
Pain and Unhappiness
Think of a recent time you were in pain or ill. What were the secondary effects that you didn’t like, such as not being able to be as mobile as you wished, or looking less-than-perky in public?
Have you ever been in pain or ill, and gotten really interested in something, such as reading a book, and forgot about the pain or illness while you were engaged?
How do you feel when you believe that people perceive you as stupid?
Nothing causes unhappiness
There are many reasons that people have given as reasons to be unhappy that ring as completely illusory in the ears of contemporary people. For example, “Unhappiness is possession by the devil”, or “Unhappiness is caused by an imbalance in bile.” Consider other times and other cultures. What reasons have they given for unhappiness that seem absurd to your ears?
Meditation for the Week
Unhappiness is “Should I? Shouldn’t I? Can I? Can’t I?” If you can’t trust yourself, who can you trust, and why would you trust your decision to trust them?