Unhappiness is, itself, believing that something is necessary. Only not believing in the necessity of unhappiness is necessary. In that sense only is there one thing necessary; which is the same as realizing that nothing is necessary.
To have happiness there is only one thing necessary: to have happiness. It is self-defined.
To have joy there is only one thing necessary: to have joy. Joy is being glad to be happy. Being glad to be happy is to admit that you are.
It is not necessary to deny in any way that you are. You may gladly deny it to others, of course, if you wish, but you never have to believe that you are wrong to continuously appreciate yourself, and your wisdom in happiness.
I knew a man who had a tremendous, paralyzing and sickening fear of flying in airplanes. He, of course, believed he deserved to fall from a great height. He believed that if he flew when he shouldn’t, he would certainly fall. Panic was, for him, a necessity.
This same man noticed he had a sexual attraction to his teenage step-daughter who was developing, nubile, and affectionate. He dared to contemplate the great heights of sexual ecstasy that would ensue from engaging in this forbidden delight. He, of course, believed he needed to be prevented, or else fall from that great height. Panic was, for him, a necessity.
When I questioned what he feared about his attraction he disclosed that although she would welcome his intimacy now, that in the future when she socialized more and accepted the normal beliefs of others she would believe she should turn against him and accuse him of harming her. He was afraid he would be overwhelmed by attraction, nevertheless, and get in trouble. He believed that if he flew when he shouldn’t, he would certainly fall.
I asked him, considering what he believed about her future actions; if he thought that acting on his attractions would be good for him. He said that he believed such an involvement, although pleasant at first, would be harmful to him later.
I asked him if, that being the case, he is still sexually attracted to her. He said no. He said that there is no longer any attraction when he realizes what it really means to his welfare.
“So,” I asked, “do you need to fight or fear your attraction?”
“There is no attraction to what is bad for me. No problem. I thought I had to fight the initial attraction when, in fact, I really don’t have any attraction when I consider my total feelings.”
I asked, “By the way, how do you feel about flying?”
His eyes lit up. “I don’t feel any fear. It’s like it was miraculously removed,” he said.
The realization, or even the suspicion, that we may not be serving our desires by exposing them to others does not mean we must be believing that they are wrong or dangerous in themselves. The issues of privacy, protection and a better means of attainment may be more to the point. To be an object of ridicule may or may not be useful in our lives. We may decide on that basis how we can achieve our goals, whatever they may be.
We may not be expressing to the world what we know about happiness. We may have decided to be more private. That does not mean we are afraid, or are actually against happiness in our lives. We may not have the praise of others for our happiness, or even the simple agreement that it is desirable to be happy. So what? Happiness is personal, only personal, intrinsically personal. What would the approval or “sharing” of happiness with others do for us or them? Nothing. At most it is our self-expression in the presence of another. There can be no true sharing in the sense that a portion of our happiness can be experienced by others as their happiness.
Rather than lose our fervor for want of camaraderie, we can look to ourselves as sources of inspiration and affirmation. We know we do not need this, but we may still know that it is for us to still want it, and enjoy doing it. Are you allowed to affirm what you know?
The one thing necessary for your happiness is for you to know (or experience) your own happiness.