Introduction
In this writing, Bruce Di Marsico addresses the attitude: “I should have known better. I’m such an idiot, I’m such a loser, I’m so stupid, I’m so lame”.
The core belief behind “I should have known better” is a person’s belief that their not having known something earlier in time than they actually did is a sign that there is something inherently wrong with them. For example, if such a person made an investment that failed, they would feel that they have proof that something is wrong with them that they did not know that the investment would fail before they made the investment.
The core belief behind “I’m such an idiot, I’m such a loser, I’m so stupid, I’m so lame” is a person’s belief that they have evidence that there is something structurally wrong with them, something that has always been there and will always be there, as opposed to mere evidence that they didn’t know something—and now they do.
Many people become unhappy again and again because they don’t believe that unhappiness is a matter of belief.
There are people who consider themselves stupid. Others usually agree with them that they truly are stupid. They learn over and over again and yet never seem to learn. They are often “lovable” people (insofar as they are often engaged in “doing” nice things for others). They love to receive attention and affection to a point. After that point they feel that they have been exposed as unresponsive. In short, they fear looking stupid and reluctant.
These people do not consider themselves as unhappy. They attribute their unwanted behavior to their “stupidity” or “coldness” or some other quality which they consider “natural”. In short, they believe that their unwanted feelings and behavior is natural rather than from beliefs.
These people believe that their behavior (internal or external) comes from their “true selves”, instead of their beliefs about themselves. They get unhappy about their behavior because they believe it reflects their basic natural self. They do not accept that this behavior is unhappiness.
They believe they are unhappy about their natural behavior (which they don’t want). They find themselves hating what they believe they naturally are. They don’t realize that what they dislike is what they believe is natural, not what is natural. The very fact that they dislike their behavior is an indication that they are unhappy.
Much of their behavior, which they believe betrays their stupidity or “wrong” feeling is often perfectly natural behavior which a person will also perfectly naturally not want to repeat. It is perfectly natural lack of skill which a person will naturally want to improve–except they believe they should have already known what they naturally could not have known.
They believe they must account for “lacks” in themselves, whether those lacks are lack of skill or lack of imagination or lack of feeling or lack of caution or lack of prudence, etc. They account for these lacks as natural enough, but by the concept “natural”, they mean “unfortunately natural” as if “natural curse” was the meaning of natural. They see natural lack as evil defect. Even if they come to see these lacks as a result of their unhappiness, they then believe that their unhappiness is a natural evil or defect or a result of one.
But natural lack or natural unhappiness in this sense is a transient thing which will naturally fill when exposed. In fact, the “evil” of ignorance is only noticed when the person is beginning to learn and is no longer ignorant. Youth becomes maturity, lack of skill becomes skill, ignorance becomes knowledge, and with time comes experience.
When a person makes a “mistake” out of ignorance, the time of ignorance is naturally over and the time of “knowing better” has begun. We were ignorant “up till now” and “from now on” we know better.
Stupid people only see the “knowing better” now as a reason for being unhappy about the being ignorant “up till now”. This they can usually justify because the so-called ignorance has been corrected previously and perhaps frequently in the past, yet they still make the same mistakes. Still, the reason these “mistakes” are now culpable and “stupid” mistakes are because they see them as natural proof that they are naturally intractable.
They do not see ignorance as merely natural, as a natural consequence of simply not yet having learned or a natural consequence of not being able to learn because of fear; but even worse: they see ignorance as natural evidence that they do not learn. Their proof is that, although they want to learn, they can’t. Their proof that they want to learn is that they feel bad for not learning or not having learned. This is not proof of anything except that feeling bad about being ignorant prevents natural learning.
The belief that they ought to feel bad in order to learn is simply the belief that what they just learned, they didn’t learn—the belief that learning should take place before they learn. They believe they should not have to learn the way people naturally learn—by simply being aware of some new desirable knowledge. They do not believe that the knowledge they now realize they want is desirable now. Their complaint is something like, “Now it is too late, I already made the mistake. What good is knowing and learning now? I am already screwed, See, I am a loser and stupid and don’t learn”.
They are so disappointed in not having already known because they believe there is something wrong or bad with natural ignorance. They only believe this because it embarrasses them. Embarrassment is only another way of saying that they showed to the world their evil defects and imperfection.
What is it that makes these defects so important, so crucial? Why do they believe these skills or feelings are so necessary for their lives? Simply because they believe they need to be certain ways other than they naturally are in order to be happy.
They believe that they can’t be happy by starting where they are. They believe that something is missing — a feeling, a necessary feeling; a skill, a necessary ability to learn that they do not now have.
They simply believe that they do not have what it naturally takes to be happy.
Just like people who believe they need things from others to be happy (money, sex, love, approval) these people believe they need certain personality qualities in order to be happy.
These qualities always amount to what another would love to have from them also. Such qualities as affection, sex-ability, conversation ability, charm, gracefulness, intelligence, etc. are what many other people believe they need from them in order to be happy with them. These are relational commodities that are valued by most people and make interaction worthwhile and rewarding.
The rewards of interaction might be seen in one sense as arbitrary: copulation, dialogue, working together, etc. They almost seem to be endeavors created just for the sake of having something to do with someone. Actually they are truly valued naturally because they are the natural expression of free happy people manifesting their joy over another person’s happiness which is also naturally manifesting itself.
In short, the “values” of relationship are not the causes of a happy relationship, but the fruits. Happy relationships are not the causes of individual happiness but its natural fruit.
Stupid people believe they need certain desirable “good” qualities in order to be in a good bargaining position to get from others the things (money, approval, etc.) they need to be happy. They dream of the lover who will be the key to unlock their passions or wisdom–then they will be able to see themselves as successful human beings. Then, they believe, they will be very happy.
The truth is, of course, that no one, not even a true god, could unlock what isn’t there or free something that is already there freely.
Naturally you will be successful if first you are happy. Being happy is the true successfulness they are striving for. They only want these qualities in order to be happy about who they are. They can do that now. Only their beliefs that they should be unhappy until they succeed is the cause of their unhappiness and “stupidity”.
When they finally realize that no one may be able to “make” them into what they want to be, they believe they need supernatural help. They turn to drugs, stars, saviors, Christs, cosmic love—you name it. They despair of nature and its god who has not yet helped them but who someday may get “good” and change them or the world around them to suit their stupid ideas. Their stupid idea, of course, is that something, some necessary thing, is missing for their happiness.
They just simply believe that unhappiness is natural to them and don’t believe that that is a belief. They, of course, believe it is an indisputable fact which they, of course, can easily prove.
They wind up with a universe with no meaning, no natural goodness or happiness. They have a god who doesn’t love them enough or who isn’t god enough to straighten them out.
They do not believe that they choose to get unhappy with what they want to change, which would change naturally were it not for their anger.
They get unhappy about their behavior. They believe that is the best way to change. That is why they do it. Not because they are stupid or evil. They believe that feeling bad is the best way to change themselves. They are wrong. Simply mistaken. They then believe that the best way to learn what they just learned is to get unhappy about not having known it before.
They believe that changing themselves is more important than anything. They act like it is more important than happiness. But they only value changing themselves in order to be happy, and changing isn’t necessary for happiness. Happiness is natural when you do not believe that anything is necessary, including “learning” to be happy.
These people find themselves striving for happiness so that they will be good and therefore happy. They see happiness as a “smart” way to be so they still strive for right, smartness, goodness, etc. in order to be happy.
Happiness is what happiness is for. They still believe that they need to be or should be “happy” in order to be happy. They believe happiness is success and success is better than happiness. Success at being happy will make them happier. In a way they could be right. But these people want to be right rather than happy.
They are idolaters—they believe that pleasing the idols of social values is where true happiness lies. They worship success, money, sexual prowess, intelligence and the successful interaction of these abilities. They believe that one can buy the other. Being a good lover can make them free to be good workers and one or the other can be traded to good advantage.
This point of view or way of life is indicating someone who does not desire happiness, but instead fears unhappiness.