Outline
- Depression is being scared that you are unhappy or will make yourself unhappy for no reason.
- Depression is deducing that you are unhappy based on how you physically feel or how you act.
- Depression is not being okay to be unhappy.
- You can know that you would never choose to be unhappy without a reason.
Introduction
In this talk, Bruce Di Marsico discusses depression.
Depression is being scared that you are unhappy or will make yourself unhappy for no reason. If you would make yourself unhappy for no reason whatsoever, then you can conclude that you are the “kind of person” who is “damned” to unhappiness, because you choose to be unhappy for no reason.
Depression is deducing that you are unhappy based on how you physically feel or how you act. For example, feeling tired or sick or with low energy, and concluding that must mean you are unhappy, because being unhappy often feels similar to being tired or sick or with low energy. Another example: concluding that your lack of enthusiasm about something must mean you are unhappy. Even though unhappiness often causes these bodily signs, they can also occur for reasons that have nothing to do with unhappiness.
Depression is not being okay to be unhappy. Paradoxically, if you were never unhappy about being angry, sad, fearful, etcetera, these could transform into natural expressions of force, connection, avoidance, etcetera. Unhappiness is ineffective when used to motivate ourselves to stop being unhappy.
You can know that you would never choose to be unhappy without a reason. This reason can be traced to a mistaken belief that being unhappy is the only way to do something you want to do. By exploring the reason to the root, as the Option Method does, you can get in touch with the desires underneath the unhappiness, and have the bodily epiphany that your wanting is sufficient; no unhappiness is necessary.
Why aren’t you perfectly happy already?
For some, there is the feeling that, no matter how far you get, no matter how happy you are, no matter how much you learn, that something somehow is missing, something is wrong. There’s some kind of a final hurdle to jump that you’re not jumping, some kind of a final door to open that you’re not opening—something that would really finally free you to be as happy as you want to be.
All of you and each of you have told me, at one time or another, that you were faced with the dilemma of really wanting to be happier, knowing that you choose your own happiness and yet not being able to account for the fact that you’re not happier. You are knowing everything that you’d ever need to know about being unhappy and are still unhappy. Being unhappy and not wanting to be leads many of you to the feeling that there’s just something basically wrong with you, which you sometimes express with the feeling, “well, I guess time will take care of it.”
I see in all of you that you, though, that you really don’t believe that time would take care of it. How much time? What more experiences do you need to have that you haven’t had? What more time do you need that you haven’t already had? What is that one thing lacking? That basic flaw in you? We talked once before about “what’s wrong with me”. And then you found out that what was wrong with you was that you thought something was wrong with you. And what did you do with that?
Why wasn’t that “it”? Why wasn’t that the final door, the final key, the final hurdle? Why is it that once you’ve worked through a belief and you no longer believe that you have anything to be unhappy about, that you’d still be unhappy? And indeed, many of you, become unhappy about things that even you know you have no reason to be unhappy about, yet you know the only way to be unhappy is to believe you have a reason to be.
How is it that you could be unhappy knowing that you don’t have a reason to be? You all know that you don’t have to be unhappy. That is not even a matter of belief anymore for you. You’ve experienced it. You know it. You all know that you can only be unhappy when you have reasons to be. And you all know that you don’t really have any reasons for being unhappy.
Depression is being scared of yourself
You know that ultimately you really don’t have to be unhappy. We can use a word to describe this phenomena, this feeling that you all experienced. The word I’ll use is a word that’s been common. It’s been used. Depression. You’re all depressed. You’ve been depressed for a long time. Depression is being unhappy about being unhappy. Depression is being disappointed in yourself for being unhappy, while at the same time you’re believing that you really have nothing to be unhappy about.
“I’m unhappy and I have nothing to be unhappy about. Boy, am I unhappy. Boy, am I in trouble. Wow, have I got it bad. I can even be unhappy when I know that I really don’t even have a reason to be unhappy. And I know, ultimately, if I were to work it out, I would see that I don’t have a reason to be unhappy.” Depression is being scared of yourself, when you find that you’re feeling bad and yet realizing that you really have no reason for feeling bad.
Depression is being afraid that you are unhappy when you’re not unhappy. You’re not unhappy about anything, but when you’re afraid that you might be unhappy about something, then you’re unhappy. It’s being afraid of being unhappy, even when you’re happy. So that if you’re happy, and you try to maintain that happiness by being afraid that you won’t be happy or that you’re not happy, you’re depressed. Depression is being afraid that even though you have no real reason to be unhappy, you still are.
Depression is believing that you are afraid of being happy. Some of you have said what you think the problem is, is that you’re afraid of being happy somehow. That’s depression. Depression is believing that even though you have no reason to be unhappy, you still will be. Depression is believing and deducing that you must be afraid of something that you know you’re not afraid of and have no reason to fear.
You look at yourself and you say, “gee, I’m feeling a certain way. I’m doing something and I must be afraid. And I have no reason to be afraid.” That’s depression. You came to the conclusion that you’re afraid when you’re not afraid. And you become afraid of being afraid when you know you’re not. And you’re faced with a kind of terror that says, “I think I’m happy and I’m really not. I feel good, but I’m really unhappy.”
Depression is being afraid that there must be something very wrong with you if you’re unhappy, that when you experience yourself as being afraid and knowing that you have no reason to be, you believe that there must be a reason that you can’t know, a reason that you’ll never find out, a reason, perhaps that isn’t really a reason, a cause that you’ll never know. A cause that you’ll never be able to deal with because “I’m afraid and I know I have no reason to be. I’m unhappy and I know that I have no reason to be.” If you believe that, you’re depressed.
Depression is being afraid that there is some power inside of you that can make you unhappy even after you have searched and searched and found that you don’t have a reason to be unhappy and you really don’t believe that there is anything to be unhappy about.
Depression is the only unhappiness. Depression is the only craziness. Depression is the only cause of psychosomatic illness. Depression is the only cause of anger. Depression is the only cause of mania. And depression is really the only cause of not loving others. Depression is believing that you cannot be what, indeed, you would be if you weren’t depressed. Depression is fearing or believing that you couldn’t be that very thing that you would be, in fact, if you weren’t fearing that you couldn’t be it.
For example, depression is believing that you cannot enjoy what you would enjoy if you weren’t afraid that you couldn’t enjoy it. Depression is believing that you can not learn what you very well would learn if you weren’t afraid that you couldn’t learn. Depression is believing that you cannot be happy when you would otherwise be happy if you weren’t afraid that you couldn’t be. I could be as happy as anything until I become afraid that I couldn’t be as happy as anything.
Depression is deducing and fearing that you must be unhappy when you are not feeling or acting in a way you believe you would if you were happy. That’s depression. It’s depression if you come to the conclusion, “gee, I must be unhappy because I’m not physically feeling a certain way or I’m not acting a certain way”, that you believe that you would really be acting, would really be feeling, if you were happy. Depression is not letting it be okay to be unhappy, because you fear that if it was okay, you’d be unhappy even if you didn’t have a reason, that somehow, if you let it be okay to be unhappy, you’d go ahead and be unhappy even if you never had a reason to be.
And so you use the fear of being unhappy. And that’s depression. And that leads to all of these other things that we talked about. Depression is putting someone down for being unhappy. Depression is criticizing somebody for being unhappy. That’s depression. Depression is disliking someone who is unhappy. Not being depressed or being happy is knowing that you cannot be unhappy unless you have a very clear reason for being so.
Knowing that you would never choose to be unhappy
You cannot be unhappy against your will. You cannot be unhappy accidentally. You cannot be happy for some kind of a vague je ne sais quoi (“I know not what”). You cannot be unhappy unless you have a very, very clear, clear reason to be. A reason that you accept. A reason that you believe. A reason that you want. Not being depressed, or being happy, is knowing that you would never choose unhappiness over happiness, unless you believed you had to and believed it was to your benefit.
Depression is believing that you’re feeling something that’s not to your benefit. Not being depressed, or being happy, is knowing, really knowing that you never, ever have chosen, you never ever have ever become unhappy for no reason. It’s knowing that every time you ever became unhappy in the past, it was because you believed it would make you happier. There was never a time in the past that you were unhappy for no reason. You always were unhappy because you believed it would make you happier. Not being depressed, or being happy, is knowing that even depression and all its fears and all its beliefs was something you have been doing in order to be happier.
So that depression is believing that if you’re afraid enough of feeling bad, you’ll be happier. If you’re unhappy enough about being unhappy, you’ll be happier. Depression is believing that you are and can be unhappy for no reason, even when you don’t want to be. Depression is your way of trying to be happier with your awareness that you’re not yet happier.
If you believe that unhappiness happens for no reason, that you’re not happier for no reason and you can get unhappy for no reason, even when you don’t want to…” Now I know I want to be happier. And I’m not!” becomes my statement. That means, I can’t be what I want to be. Even when I want it. And I get unhappy about that just so that I won’t feel so bad. Because by being unhappy about that, I’m not accepting that I want to be happier and I’m not.
So in a very real way depression is your way of accounting for the so called fact, of not being happier even when you know you want to be. Not being depressed is knowing that you are happier. Depression is what prevents that final step. Depression is what prevents you from making that final conversion from being a victim. It’s why some of you, seem to yourselves, as not to be getting where you want to be.
How do you account for now being happier? For not being as happy as you want to be? By believing somehow that you’re not as happy as you want to be. And yet, you know, at the same time, that you’re as happy as you want to be, right now. But that you want to be happier. You’re as unhappy as you feel you need to be. But you want to be happier. So without depression, if you were unhappy, all you would need to do at that point would be to look at your belief. You see, all you’d have to do is simply untangle it.
Question your belief. If you weren’t depressed, you’d move, right away. Depression is what prevents you, even though you go through all of your beliefs and you come back to the fact, “I have no reason for being unhappy about this.” Yet still nagging in the back of your mind is the fear of “but wait till tomorrow. I’ll be unhappy about it again, even though I have no reason to be.” That’s a constant thing that you all walk around with, manifested in so many things that you do and say. It shows on your faces. It shows in your behavior. It shows in what you talk about and how you talk about it.
You don’t have to be depressed. It’s just something that you’re doing. It’s not something you need to do.
Questions for Reflection
In this talk, Bruce Di Marsico discusses depression.
For each of these moods, right down the physical symptoms you experience (for example, a tightness in the gut, heart beating faster than usual)
Anger
Fear
Sorrow
Depression
Now, for each of the symptoms you noted, see if there is an example of having the physical symptom for non-emotional reasons (low energy because had cold, heart beating fast because running, a tightness in gut because of food poisoning)
Are you okay with being unhappy? Do you love feeling the way you want to feel, or fear not feeling the way you want to feel?
How do you use unhappiness to try to motivate yourself to stop being unhappy (for example, being pissed at yourself that you got mad…)?
Meditation for the Week
Depression is not being okay with being unhappy.