Outline
- The only cause of unhappiness is believing that something can cause unhappiness.
- Belief, attitude, and personality are all the same thing.
- Unhappiness means that I believe that I do, or want, or think, or feel a way that is bad for me.
- All unhappiness is the fear that we have a bad attitude for ourselves
- All fear is the fear of feeling bad (unhappy).
- The belief that we could in any way be bad for ourselves is unhappiness.
- Sadness is the acceptance of “proof” that we are against ourselves.
- Anger is believing that we are being made to be against ourselves.
- Unhappiness is a secularized belief in sinfulness.
- Mistakes do not prove we are against ourselves.
Introduction
In this talk, Bruce Di Marsico discusses beliefs that we can be self-defeating.
The only cause of unhappiness is believing that something can cause unhappiness. This “something” always ends up being ourselves. Unhappiness means that I believe that I do, or want, or think, or feel a way that is bad for me. All unhappiness is the fear that we have a bad attitude for ourselves, and the belief that we could in any way be bad for ourselves is unhappiness. In previous times, this belief was sometimes called “sin”.
All fear is the fear of feeling bad (unhappy), which derives from fearing that we could act against our own interest. Since we could only know what is against our best interest by knowing what our best interest is, we are always in touch with are best interest, and could never act contrary to this knowledge. We can only mistakenly believe we have. Mistakes do not prove we are against ourselves, they only show that we have more to find out about the best way to be for ourselves.
Sadness is the acceptance of “proof” that we are against ourselves. It is the collapse of believing that “I am always self-defeating and will always be self-defeating”
Anger is believing that we are being made to be against ourselves. It is the explosion of believing that “you made me be self-defeating”.
Being Self-Defeating
You are only unhappy because you believe you have to be. Your belief that you have to be is caused by you belief that something other than your belief could cause your unhappiness.
The cause of unhappiness is a belief; only one belief. What happens, no matter how undesirable or destructive to our life, health, desires or loves, does not cause unhappiness. The belief that we have to be unhappy is the only cause.
To state it simply:
If a person did not believe he or she had to be unhappy, they would not and could not be.
We merely believe we need to have things or avoid things in order to avoid unhappiness; which we would not have to fear if we did not believe we needed to be unhappy.
The seven understandings of all unhappiness
1. Unhappiness is the feeling of a belief about a perceived or imagined phenomena; not an experience caused by the phenomena or anything else.
2. Unhappiness is experiencing your own believing that an event is bad and/or should not be bad, because you believe it causes unhappiness.
3. Believing something causes unhappiness is the very reason it seems to “cause” unhappiness.
4. Believing that something can cause unhappiness is the only cause of the fear of it. By “fear” is meant loathing, need to avoid, need to cure, need to kill or eliminate, disgust, hatred, terror, horror, repulsion, disdain and all such similar feelings. (Fear is not a simple desire to avoid, destroy, or otherwise prevent or eliminate a threat to your desired values. That attitude does not need to presume avoiding unhappiness in order to justify a simple desire.)
5. Believing someone or something is morally wrong or evil, psychologically sick, or behaviorally inappropriate, is to fear that person or thing as if it could cause unhappiness.
6. Unhappiness is fearing that unhappiness can “happen” or be caused by anything.
7. Unhappiness is believing that something is necessary, something has to be, should be, ought to be, or must be other than what it is.
Belief is attitude is personality
A belief, whether conscious or not, is an attitude. It is a postulate, presumed to be true, and therefore is an attitude held by a person which determines every aspect of the self that is pertinent to that attitude. Although a belief may not be, or ever have been, expressed in words or recognized as a personally held assumption, it is nonetheless held in at least a non-verbal way, and in all other psycho-physical ways as an aspect of the person; which we refer to as the personality.
What unhappiness means
When a person is believing he/she has to be unhappy, what they are believing is that they have to be unhappy because they believe they are against themselves. The belief in unhappiness is the belief in being wrong for oneself. Unhappiness, in fact, means that I believe that I do, or want, or think, or feel a way that is bad for me.
“Wrong” thinking
A person believes: Certain things I do not want to happen may happen or are now happening. I don’t want them to. I feel bad (and am worried or afraid now) because I “shouldn’t” be thinking negatively about my life now. Maybe I shouldn’t be not-wanting what is evidently happening anyway. It is as if I am denying reality, and that is wrong. I will be unhappy about this in the future because when certain things I do not want or do not like happen I will feel a way that is bad for me. It is wrong to expect misfortune. That is “unhappy” of me.
“Wrong” wanting
It doesn’t matter that if the undesirable event happens to me from circumstances out of my control, or if I think I am the cause or part of the cause; unhappiness comes as me believing that I now have proof that I am bad for myself. “Bad for myself” means I am not really wanting for me what I “should” be wanting for me, and something can prove it. The belief is that this event “proves” it.
“Wrong” being
Basically, feeling bad means that I believe that what I do, or think, or want, or feel means I am against my own best interests. I believe these are a bad way of doing, thinking, wanting or feeling. The way I am being is a bad (wrong, self-defeating) way of being.
This could be called the same as believing that I will be a way I shouldn’t be, or think a way I shouldn’t, or want or feel a way I shouldn’t. If we didn’t believe that we could be a way we “shouldn’t” we couldn’t feel unhappy no matter what else we felt.
All unhappiness is the fear that we have a bad attitude for ourselves. We are afraid the something proves we are bad for ourselves in the sense that it is in some way against what we are for, and for what we are against. We are afraid that we have a self-defeating attitude.
“Wrong” attitude
The fear that we have a bad, or self-defeating, attitude is the same as distrusting the very source or cause of our motivation. We are unhappy when we believe our very life, our heart, our self is against all that we live for; our personal happiness. Happiness is the freedom to be as we are, however we are; richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, gaining or losing, winning or failing, wanting or not wanting, approving or not approving, forever. Happy is what we are and what we’ll be if we don’t believe we are wrong to be as we are.
All fear is fear of unhappiness
Fear may be felt as anxiety or worry and other kinds of feelings which really are the anticipation of unhappiness, the anticipation of feeling bad.
All fear is the fear of feeling bad (unhappy). This is expecting being a way that we will then feel is wrong. It could be expecting to behave in a way we believe will prove we are against ourselves. We could fear being directly self-defeating (a “hysteric”). We could be expecting to be treated in a way we believe will prove we are against ourselves, or to have bad luck (a “paranoiac”). It could be expecting an undesirable event which is a combination of both the above. It could be the experience or the anticipation of a mysteriously caused, or random, accidental, bad luck which, we don’t know how, but somehow it does prove we shouldn’t have been the way we are.
Seems like proof
All unhappiness is caused by the belief in “proof” that we shouldn’t be happy; which really means “proof” that we shouldn’t have been free to have been as we were, which is why we are as we are. The undesirable incident “proves”, “shows” or “makes it be” that we are bad for ourselves. The belief that we could in any way be bad for ourselves is unhappiness. Anyone who believes that is, by definition, unhappy.
We are either sad or angry at this proof. Sadness is the acceptance of such proof. Sadness is believing that what is proved is that we are unable to be other than against ourselves. We can’t help it.
Sadness is feeling bad about losing something or someone we believe we need for our happiness. Without it we believe we have less “proof” of our goodness for ourselves.
Anger is believing that we are being made to be against ourselves, and it should not have been necessary for it to have happened at this time. We believe that not only are we against ourselves, but it was caused by our not admitting or expecting to be disappointed at this time. Anger is feeling wrong for not expecting to be wrong. We feel we fooled ourselves. People can seem to be angry at themselves or at another. We are really angry that we allowed ourselves to be mistaken. People are angry at being fooled when they “shouldn’t” be. In short, anger is believing in being “tricked” into being self-defeating. The arch-typical case is finding oneself being punished for doing what was believed was a “good” deed.
The essential characteristics of emotional events
Things to be happy about: Things that “prove” we are good for ourselves, or whatever takes away what “proves” we are bad for ourselves (even good luck).
Things to be unhappy about: Things that “prove” we are bad for ourselves, or whatever takes away what “proves” we are good for ourselves (even bad luck).
The things that can matter to happiness or unhappiness can be anything:
- thoughts or lack of thoughts,
- remembering or forgetting,
- desires or lack of certain desires,
- behavior or lack of behavior,
- events that happen to or are caused by self,
- events that happen to or are caused by another person or
- events that are caused by the absence of another person,
- events that happen to or are caused by the actions or attitudes of others.
In fact, anything that “means” whether we are good or bad for ourselves matters to happiness or unhappiness.
Sin
To believe in sin is to fundamentally believe that I am against my very self, my very good, my own future. Unhappiness is just a secularized belief in sinfulness, wrongness, and is the same as believing that we choose what we know to be wrong or bad for us. Like Adam and Eve we believe we know that which we are happy to choose can be really bad for happiness.
Mistakes prove nothing
Mistakes we make (if they are) are choices for what we want, and need not prove we can choose against what we want. We need knowledge or better information (if anything), not a change of heart. Our motivation is the best possible human motivation. Given human equipment, we want with human hearts and minds; with human brains and guts. We perceive and choose accordingly with human sensibilities, and only pay with what we have been given to pay with. There is nothing wrong with the way we work.
To get or keep what we want, even our lives, we need what it takes to do that. Sometimes it seems beyond our capabilities. That perception (whether true or not) is a function of our self-interest. Everything that is truly us is an aspect of our self-interest, and nothing is not. If things do not go the way we want it is not for the lack of our wanting, and therefore not from a lack of our best motivation.
Questions for Reflection
“Belief is attitude is personality”
Describe your personality.
For each aspect of your personality that you described, is it a pure matter of taste (you are that way because of what you find sexy, cute, attractive, beautiful, delicious, fun, etc.)?
If the aspect of personality is not a matter of taste, why are you that way? If you come up with an answer, then ask, “why am I that way?”
If you believe an aspect of your personality is not a matter of taste, but you don’t know why you are that way, speculate or take a guess. Why would you be that way, since it is not a matter of your taste?
Meditation for the Week
Mistakes we make only show that we need more information or more capabilities. They do not demonstrate that we are against ourselves.